For better or worse.

I am going through quite a turning point in my life right now. Considering I am not the kind of person who welcome changes much, this is really quite tough for me. I have had sleepless nights rolling around the bed, not knowing if I had made the right choice, and a lot of what-ifs. What if I made the wrong choice? What if I try this? What if I do that instead? For days, or should I just say the whole week, I never actually felt good, at all. I don't feel good sitting down, I don't feel good standing up, I don't feel good eating this, I don't feel good lying down, I don't feel good showering. Nothing feels good! Even after I made the decision, I wasn't sure. Everything everyone said to me affects me so much and I changed my mind a million, no, a BILLION and one time (and still is ). It's not easy. I'm a boring person. I'm not adventurous. I don't like changes. I am really not a true Sagittarius.

I happen to read what the happy misfit wrote and for a moment there, I told myself that there's no harm changing, good or bad, things WILL happen and everything is an experience, no matter how bad it turns out to be, it still IS a life experience. So what if I really made the wrong decision? It's not the end of the world. There somewhere, is always another door out.

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I think that when death is the first big event of your life, when you know death before you know life, it changes you somehow. It changes the way you live. I watch people live as though it’s forever and I do not do that, I do not live like that. I’ve known, for as long as I can remember, that it is not a question of if, it is a question of when. I will die. That one thought, for many years, chased me into every light filled corner I stood in. It haunted and obsessed me. And then it stopped, just like that. It stopped chasing me, or I maybe I just stopped chasing it. Maybe that’s why I live the way I do. Maybe that’s why I can walk away from a career to tend bar without giving it a second thought. Maybe that’s why I can move to the other side of the world to love someone I barely know. Maybe that’s why I throw myself into things completely, whole heartedly, intensely, and then, just as quickly run. Because I am going to die but first I’m going to live. (When my father died, the last poem, the last line he wrote – I want to live – still.) Maybe that’s why I do not accept the it’s not possibles, or the it’s not logicals, or the it is unreasonables. Maybe that’s why I wear my heart on my sleeve and say what I think and do not care about what’s proper and what’s acceptable. I know that my way of being brings me trouble and hurt and sadness, and that more often than not, I trip and I fall, but I also know that I make magic sometimes, I really do, and sometimes, sometimes I even fly a little before I fall. And that’s always been, always will be, enough.

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Sigh, that MAGIC, is what I'm looking for right now.