Soon!

I only wrote 2 lousy posts in May? tsk...

I'm seriously going through a lot right now! I have so much to say but I can't tell you guys now because everything's not firmed up yet so *shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Well, for those who thought I am getting married or what from my last post. Haha that's funny I never thought the entry can be interpreted that way. But if I'm really getting married and I have to think SO LONG and be in such dilemma then I think my bf would die la. Why would he wanna marry someone who is so not sure and have to "baring here baring there can't sleep for days?" haha.

So No. I am not getting married.

But, a change in some other way. I have to blog about it next week...oh! and also about my hair extension! I know right! I promised to blog about it for ages also never get to do that. Yaya starting next week I will blog like every other day.

Check back soon!

For better or worse.

I am going through quite a turning point in my life right now. Considering I am not the kind of person who welcome changes much, this is really quite tough for me. I have had sleepless nights rolling around the bed, not knowing if I had made the right choice, and a lot of what-ifs. What if I made the wrong choice? What if I try this? What if I do that instead? For days, or should I just say the whole week, I never actually felt good, at all. I don't feel good sitting down, I don't feel good standing up, I don't feel good eating this, I don't feel good lying down, I don't feel good showering. Nothing feels good! Even after I made the decision, I wasn't sure. Everything everyone said to me affects me so much and I changed my mind a million, no, a BILLION and one time (and still is ). It's not easy. I'm a boring person. I'm not adventurous. I don't like changes. I am really not a true Sagittarius.

I happen to read what the happy misfit wrote and for a moment there, I told myself that there's no harm changing, good or bad, things WILL happen and everything is an experience, no matter how bad it turns out to be, it still IS a life experience. So what if I really made the wrong decision? It's not the end of the world. There somewhere, is always another door out.

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I think that when death is the first big event of your life, when you know death before you know life, it changes you somehow. It changes the way you live. I watch people live as though it’s forever and I do not do that, I do not live like that. I’ve known, for as long as I can remember, that it is not a question of if, it is a question of when. I will die. That one thought, for many years, chased me into every light filled corner I stood in. It haunted and obsessed me. And then it stopped, just like that. It stopped chasing me, or I maybe I just stopped chasing it. Maybe that’s why I live the way I do. Maybe that’s why I can walk away from a career to tend bar without giving it a second thought. Maybe that’s why I can move to the other side of the world to love someone I barely know. Maybe that’s why I throw myself into things completely, whole heartedly, intensely, and then, just as quickly run. Because I am going to die but first I’m going to live. (When my father died, the last poem, the last line he wrote – I want to live – still.) Maybe that’s why I do not accept the it’s not possibles, or the it’s not logicals, or the it is unreasonables. Maybe that’s why I wear my heart on my sleeve and say what I think and do not care about what’s proper and what’s acceptable. I know that my way of being brings me trouble and hurt and sadness, and that more often than not, I trip and I fall, but I also know that I make magic sometimes, I really do, and sometimes, sometimes I even fly a little before I fall. And that’s always been, always will be, enough.

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Sigh, that MAGIC, is what I'm looking for right now.

Fingers Crossed.

I'm taking a super mini hiatus as you can see from the lack of updates. I've been so busy. Hopefully I have things to tell you this weekend =)