A blog really reflects how one is feeling. I don't cater to hundreds or thousands of reader so mostly everything I write is more personal. I write angry entries. I write emo entries. I don't know if you noticed but my happy entries are getting lesser and lesser. I find it really hard to come up with a decent entry, to pen down any nice things that are happening. I can, but that'd be lying.

Because I'm not alright. In fact, I'm far from being alright. I dropped by the florist and got myself african daisies because they have good memories and I really need all the colors I can have right now. But the stalks of gerbera I carefully placed beside my bed serve no purpose. I looked at them and I felt nothing. Nothing.

These days I feel nothing.

My days are so tough. I don't get through days anymore. They just passed. All I wanted to do is pull the curtains and lie in bed all day under the comforter. I don't want to wake up and get food because food gives me energy to get out of bed. And that is the definitely not what I want. I just want to lie there all day and think of nothing and do nothing. I don't want to open my eyes and see things I didn't wish to see. I don't want to hear anyone say things that could put me further into the dark.

As I grow older, I look at everything in a different light. Everything I used to think makes me happy..they don't anymore. I have a different perspectives on everything I have in my life right now. My career. My life goal. The place I stay. The food I eat. The things I do. The people I have.

Things changed.

One day I wake up to find myself unloved. Unloved in many different ways. I almost can feel like there's a stone stuck inside me and it's making me hard to breathe. At times I really forgot to breathe. And when I do realize I will take a reaaaally deep breath and my mind will zone out for a while. I miss the person I used to be. Really. I missed being ignorant. I missed being happy with every little things. I miss being elated over 1 ham chin peng.

I can lie to everybody. I can even lie to myself but I'm finding it really hard to even convince myself these days. I feel pathetic. I don't love myself. Nothing can be worse than one feeling like they're not worth a single cent. Nothing is worse than when one's self-confidence is stripped off. I am so belittled beyond words. When I look myself in the mirror I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't whip out my camera and cam whore shamelessly. I look at myself and I wish I am a little thinner, I wish my hair is a little more lustrous, I wish my eye bags are a little smaller, I wish I am a little fairer, I wish I am not where I am, I wish people close to me would give me a little more credit. I honestly don't think I am as bad as how they make me feel. I honestly think I have improved a lot over these years but it doesn't seem that way to me now. People close to me have no good words for me. Do you know how sad that is :( I have so many things to say but I don't know how to put them into words. I don' know how to stand up and defend myself. Each time I just sighed and let it go. I don't know what else I can say to make my point or how I can to send the message across at all.

So yes, life is tough on me right now.

I'll be fine because I'm trying hard to make a change. I am confident I can lift myself up again because nobody else would. I've always been alone all this while so I'm pretty sure this time I'll do just fine too. I don't want to just blame god or blame the luck because this has absolutely nothing to do with either of that. Everything I have right now is a choice I made before so I'm going to stick with it, live with it, find ways to do better with it. I could have just pack my bags and leave like how I always do, avoiding problems, but I think I'm old enough to just face things like a real woman!

I will be better in no time. I am sure I will. *chants to self. Joe told me: 不完美才有进步的空间。Well I guess that'll do for now.

Dammit, mid-life crisis come a little too soon.